Led by the Heart
Posted on October 28, 2012
Even though my babe and baby slept soundly at five am this morning, I was up with an aggravated and moaning tummy. Before clueing in my mind screamed “Labour! You’re in labour!” I rose from bed and paced around the bedroom for a moment trying to deduce what was really going on. Since obviously labour wasn’t my issue, I figured I was still feeling off from the version of the Black Plague I contracted over a week ago but when I peed, I got my answer.
My period. She’s back. I have been waiting on her for almost three months. It took so long to come back that I legitimately thought I might be preggo all over again, so much so I bought two pregnancy tests. (Why in God’s name are those things so flipping expensive? Tests and tampons, man. Not cool.) I told both Bestie and Ladykiller Bestie that I thought baby numero deux might be showing up a little quicker than is probably a good idea and both pretty much echoed each other in their response: “Dear God, no.” And then, I got lectured on safe sex. From both of them. Again. Why I tell either of them anything is anyone’s guess.
Anyway, I sat for a second after discovering my condition and sorted out how I was feeling. Oddly? I felt sad, yet relieved at the same time. Relieved because it’s good to know that my body is rebounded nicely but even while thinking that, there sat the little feeling of loss inside me and it ached. It’s probably that division of the mind and the heart again. My mind agrees with everybody else. It’s too soon for baby the sequel! But that’s not what my heart is saying. I hear my heart at night and she’s calling out to my future daughter. She’s yearning and if you haven’t figured out yet, I am all heart and hardly bother with my mind so I’m yearning a little too.
I started a new pack of birth control and it was bittersweet. Now I know for sure I’ll be waiting a year before trying for our second baby and I’m a little terrified that when the time comes, it just won’t be achieved as easily as Jonah was achieved. I really believe things happen for a reason and when you plan and plan and plan your life away you are interfering with your destiny. Sounds hokey… but logic can’t explain my son. He’s perfection personified and he came into my life just as I desperately needed direction and something to teach me humility, sacrifice and tenderness. My son came along and gave my life meaning and probably saved it, so sue me I am willing to let fate take the reins once more. Well, that’s my heart talking not my head.
For some reason I am getting a little choked up. You see, I can see her so clearly in my mind that it drives me to think that my little girl exists somehow, somewhere and it hurts a little not to have her. Maybe I’ll never have her. Perish the thought. One thing is clear and that is I want more babies … and maybe we aren’t ready in the sense of practicality … but I’m ready in my heart and I have lived my entire life being led by my heart and I can say with some confidence she has never steered me wrong.