Of course my mother hates this about me but it is in fact my nature to always … how should I put this? Sober up. I am the person who never lets a good thing go on too long. We’ve been enjoying an amazingly happy stretch with baby Jo recently, he’s ninety percent smiles and ten percent poop these days and it has been just brilliant being with him, but for me as happy as I’ve been, still something had to give. So it did.
My babe has started to teethe. If you can believe it my three and a half month old is teething. No sprouted pearly whites yet but his gums are clearly bugging my little critter because Jonah is all fists and drool. He spends all day shoving his tiny fists all up in there and just drools like it’s going out of style. His appetite has tanked too. Poor little monster. I was rubbing his gums today with my fingers and he was having (how wrong is this image) for lack of a better phrase, he was having a baby orgasm. I know he isn’t technically hurting but just this tiny amount of frustration that he is experiencing is giving me the twangs. You know the twangs, right? Like when you love something so much it hurts. The “hurt” is the twang you get inside. My twangs leave me a little bit cold after. I watch him struggle with his newly sprung issue and there isn’t much I can do to help. He hasn’t learned to hold anything up to his mouth so teething rings, frozen clothes and such are all a little bit beyond him. Anyway, this isn’t exactly my point about having something good and then finding something to knock myself off the high. What really got me, and so unexpectedly was a moment I had with my son a few nights ago alone in the tub.
He was having a baby orgasm.
Jonah and I were tubbin`it as per usual. He was fascinated with splashing and I was singing him some Beatles tune when he suddenly stopped splashing and his little fists jetted up to his mouth again where he began to suck and chew furiously. So I quickly chewed my nail down to the quick, washed my hands and poked my finger into his mouth to supply some relief. Jonah grabbed my hand with his two and just went to town on it and for a split second I thought “Good, this is helping.” But then I got the glacial twang. This was the first time in a long time that I had felt his desperate need for something only I could offer. The same way he needed me in those first few weeks of breastfeeding. I suddenly lost my feeling of contentment and remembered my sadness over not being able to breastfeed my baby. The one thing I should have been able to do, no problem. In the beginning Jo was always with me, what felt like always just on my chest feeding away. All that skin to skin contact obviously was something I sorely missed. And, I’m sorry to say to those of you who might be thinking that my baby and I still have this kind of contact through baths or whatever else. There is nothing like the feeling of holding a baby next to your heart and feeding them off your own breast … with your own milk … those moments of still and beautiful quiet … the calm … the action of nursing, the sensation, all of it. I lost it all and sitting in the tub with Jonah, my finger in his mouth where he just sucked and sucked … well, it just broke my heart. All over again. The feelings I had to deal with weeks ago when we quit breastfeeding came barrelling back and overwhelmed me. I was not prepared. In fact as I write this I am choked up once again. I want to breastfeed so badly and I am angry that I can’t. I feel cheated.
I know Jo will never really know whether he was breastfed or not but I’m beginning to feel the build up of things I missed out on and I truly believe it has a lot to do with my c-section. I know that choice was mine and really, I should be thankful for my quick recovery and I should revel in the knowledge that c-sections have positives but I can’t seem to shake the negatives. I wasn’t able to see my baby come out of me the way I should have. I didn’t get to see my son being held by his father for the first time. I never got to see the look on my dad’s face when finally Jonah met him. I didn’t get to hear what was said or see the emotions run through them and over their faces. Those split second moments that are so huge I completely missed out on because of my surgery. And, I guess maybe this is the journey of realising and accepting that, but I am just at stage “angry” right now. My body had zero chance to go through the natural progression of labour. I didn’t get the right hormones at the necessary times and so no wonder my breasts were like “WTF?” and just gave up. I missed having Jonah on my chest immediately after birth and now I don’t get the option of breastfeeding where so much of our bonding is supposed to take place? My god, does this sound unfair to anyone else out there? Just me?
Sigh. Look. I can hear my mom in my head telling me to can it. That I shouldn’t be so negative and to think about my perfect son and how lucky I am he’s an angel from heaven … but you know what? Sometimes this is just where my head is at. I should have been in that room with my son watching him being passed around. From J to my mother, to my father and to my best friend. That is something I am owed. I’m sure after a good night’s sleep I won’t feel this emotion like an acid tearing through me but for now I do. For now I want retribution. For now I want someone to sympathize. In the end I suppose I shouldn’t be so quick to say everything is perfect because obviously these twangs still run very close to the surface and every so often will turn from icy to a burn.
I want to say something so positive that it takes away all of that chill for you. I really don’t know what could do it. I think, as moms, we will probably experience a lot of it over the years. I still feel so much guilt about not being able to breast feed like I had wanted to. But I am totally comforted by the fact that there are still so many moments with my little one that I get to experience that are solely for US. I’m sure that you have those moments too. It’s the little things. Hang in there, lady. You are the only mom he has. And that, in and of itself, is totally special.
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It is good to know I am not alone, but I really do need to learn to focus on the positives… as you have done. Your daughter is just beautiful fyi.
and thank you.
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Well you are not alone, i thought it was just me too. My first child was c-section and i couldn’t breastfeed either. I was vey angry and felt shafted that 3 of the things a women is supposed to do, and i waited my whole life to do, i couldn’t do. Well when i got pregnant again after my baby was 7 months, i searched for a baby doc that would let me do natural, but anwsers were, 2 years, or 18 months. And i was 16 months apart between pregnancies, so no one would do it. I gave up. I was able to breastfeed 2nd time around, but i was not blessed with another easy baby he screamed and threw up all the time, thought it was me so i stopped breastfeeding, on formula he screamed and threw up all the time, 4 months old before we found out he has a protien milk allergy and acid reflex. My 2nd c-section recovery went really good, my scar never ever hurt, with my first one it always hurt up until the surgery. So not sure how i got over it, but lots of little things help me move on. I can concive and carry a baby to term, i can breastfeed, i can have a midwife to help me have a natural birth, my scar feels stronger so i can try again.
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Thank you for the detailed response, it does help to hear other mom’s stories. Which why I’m thankful for this blog community we have. It gives me hope to hear you breast fed your second child. My husband and I want our second ASAP. But we are waiting the year we were told to because of my c-section the first time around. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to respond here. I am very appreciative of the support. Mom to mom!
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I found you through another blog, and as I was reading your latest posts, this one sunk my heart. I’m sad because so many things that I was able to experience are things that are tearing away at you, yet I carry so much pain from things I feel like I missed. Having to go to the hospital to deliver my son with medications rather than our homebirth that we started 28 hours before. Having to supplement with formula his first few days due to his jaundice to get cleared to go home. Having to supplement again with formula at 6 months because I just wasn’t producing enough for my little guy. And finally having to stop breastfeeding altogether at a year when my milk finally gave up. I like to think it’s just a mommy thing. A good mommy thing, at that. We want what is ultimately best for our little ones, and we feel so strongly about it that if things don’t go as planned (even when baby is perfectly fine) we’re hurt for not being able to experience providing the best for them. These past 2 1/2 years of my Doodle’s life has seemed to be about teaching me that my plans, my wants, my ideals pale in comparison to the steps he will inevitably take to get where he’s going. I have no control of the path, only the absolute honor of being there for the ride.
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Thank you. It always helps to hear the experiences of other moms. Especially ones in this community. There is such a wealth of support and knowledge here… and for that I am glad. Glad that we all found one another. thank you for taking the time to comment. very appreciated.
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