The Dangers You Didn’t Know About Your Husband’s Sleepy Sperm
Posted on January 28, 2013
Napping in the Huyghebaert household has never been any lower on the priority list than maybe number one or two. Bestie learned this truth years ago when she would try to pick me up for school, or call before noon or before suppertime, or try to take me out on the weekends. I will and still do, trade all things for sleep. Sleep is my dark mistress, and I obey. Ladykiller Bestie learned of this Huyghebaert tradition sadly after he paid thousands of dollars on a plane ticket to come visit us. Poor guy spent half the day just waiting for Hubby and I to get out of bed … or for me to scream from the bedroom “Coffee! Damn it!” Ah, those were some good times.
But then Mini Bestie arrived on the scene (“Mini Bestie” or “MB” is Jonah’s nickname coined by my Bestie, obviously.) and he was never keen on sleeping and subsequently my world practically fell apart. Scientifically it just did not make sense. Let’s look at the biology together, shall we? One sleepy sperm from party A and a snoozy egg from Party B got together one night when I for one, was definitely sleeping and I think Hubby was simply turning over in his sleep. However, still it remains a mystery how two people whom prize sleep more than anything and that also have sleepy (but charming) reproductive parts combined to make such a wakeful child! Not only does the scientific dissection of this issue prove odd but also it’s unfair! So after awhile when finally neither J nor I could see the humour in the situation anymore we decided to act like parents and resolve the issue. Here is what we learned.
Our little portly man does not need two, three, four bottles throughout the night. I should have seen this coming because just a week or two ago I put a little naked Jonah down on his blanket on the floor, walked away for a second and when I returned, found myself puzzled. Jonah had disappeared and in his place was this fine looking pork roast. Pink, meaty and well marbled – oh shit, wait a second – Oh sweet Jesus that’s my kid. (You see, not only was I sleep deprived at the time but I was confused by the fact that recently my baby is less baby and more … porky and lump like. It was a mistake any one of you would have made.) Now I am assured he is perfectly healthy and not even a smidgen overweight, but my doctor laughed at me and said, “So stop feeding him overnight! He can do without!” And, thank you Doc for the advice. We stopped letting him manipulate us into stuffing his face and guess what? He slept instead.
We’ve also learned that the baby should not be the decision maker. Why? Because baby doesn’t think he’s ever tired and needs a nap. And if you try to suggest ever so quietly that maybe a nap is a good idea that little spitfire will raise hell and fight you tooth and nail. Well, for a long time I thought Jonah was just growing out of the napping stage. He wanted to be up, he cried and fussed and never seemed to want to go down so I figured I’d let him decide. Big, big, BIG mistake, people. There we are again at the doctor’s office getting our asses handed to us when she starts telling us, “Oh, hell no. Your baby needs to nap at least three of four times a day depending on when you go to bed. Good sleep begets good sleep.” So we started enforcing the law of rest at home and after a few rousing rounds of ‘whose willpower is going to crack first’ Jonah started to see it our way and his sleeping through the night got even better. He’s napping as I write this and it is frigging glorious.
Finally I am proud to say that we’ve learned Jonah’s signals. He isn’t a fussy child in any way so when he does begin to fuss and cry it is as simple as he is tired. If I get him warmed up to the idea of a nap before he hits breakdown (make the walls shake with his screeching) mode, it is all cake. However, if I miss that tiny window of opportunity I pay for it. And then, Hubby pays for me having to pay … it’s not pretty. Once you can read your kid’s signals and understand his babble, being a stay-at-home mom becomes a little more fun. You may even find the time to shower once again and take an uninterrupted poop. Yes, take heart! This can be achieved!
I have said it in the past and I will say it again, you don’t disturb mommy’s sleep because mommy isn’t naturally a nice person, and on no sleep she’s a downright cold bitch
Sadly, I know this time of calm and routine will soon end. Why? Because I read other blogs and I already know that when it comes to teething and weaning Jo off the soother, I will have new huge battles on my hands that will tear to shreds our new peaceful arrangements. But I can always hope my baby will be different, react differently, love sleep too much to put up a fight against us … because it is simply not a Huyghebaert trait to disrespect sleep for any reason. I’ve said it in the past and I will say it again, you don’t disturb mommy’s sleep because mommy isn’t naturally a nice person, and on no sleep she’s a downright cold bitch. Proof? I had a first husband who didn’t make it. Word.