With Jonah finally sorting out the difference between night and day and finally doing some decent sleeping, it is heartbreaking when things beyond your control befall you and wake your peaceful babe. Things like children running and squawking up and down your condo hallways, phone calls from your mother at inopportune times, a barking shit dog or a clumsy mom tidying up during nap time. All of these offences forgivable because they are part of life and issues Jonah will have to learn to snooze through anyhow.

last night I almost perpetrated cat-homicide, people

But you want to know what is unforgivable? Watching baby cry when you throw on every light in the house at four am because when you finally rolled into bed, dead fucking tired, you rolled right over fresh cat urine (last night, I almost perpetrated cat-homicide, people.) That’s right. I was newly sprung from a shower I had been waiting all day to have, I crawled into bed, under my favorite sheets ready for slumber and before I even laid a limb down that smell “murderized” ma’ face.

Instant psychotic rage overtook me and I bellowed (perhaps it wasn’t the lights that woke Jo after all.) After ripping off the sheets, quilt and mattress cover J and I realized we had three or four loads of laundry to do and this was wash that could not wait. I threw my hands up in my unadulterated fury and dumped the quilt into the tub, while J scurried around to start a load of sheets, stop Jo from screaming and took several unsuccessful kicks at our cat. We named her “Minion” after the typeface but now we are thinking she is just simply Satan’s minion. Doesn’t matter. He can have her. I suggest bathing her in fire is a just consequence. I hear that’s what they do down there.

I don’t know how much time passed before everything seemed to calm down but it didn’t take too long before I realized that I didn’t hear Jonah anymore. In fact I barely heard him to begin with. He should have let loose on us for screwing up his schedule but in actuality he was content to be awake with us at four thirty am. Jeff turned the lights down and I plugged in the iPod. We put Jo in his jumperroo contraption and there he hung. The happiest baby I have ever seen. Then, what started as a nightmare began to evolve into oddly timed family fun. The Chili Peppers poured through the stereo speakers and Jonah really loved the beat and jumped vigorously. Even I started to dance a little while finishing the laundry.

By the end of the night (morning) I had dragged out all of Jo’s toys that had flashing colourful lights and had them all set up making our living room a baby disco party. My son was thrilled. He bounced and laughed himself right back to sleep because by the time we had the bed put back together Jonah went to sleep instantaneously in his crib, zero fuss. After putting him down, I mouthed to J, “Angel baby,” and Hubby nodded and smiled. How a night that began with rolling into hot cat piss ended so happily, I’ll never know.

But here are a few things I do know – now. Firstly? Mattress covers? Awesome protection from stinky (sneaky) cat pee pee and I’m sure other unsavoury liquids. Turning a crap situation into something else helps you maintain your status of “mother” not “cat killer”. Learning that your kid absorbs your reaction and uses it as a gage for their reaction in a situation, helps you self-monitor. And, there is nothing wrong with muttering, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” under your breath behind closed doors while you stomp on your quilt in a bathtub filled with cold water (a la grape stomping) to help quell your rage. Finally, husbands and The Chili Peppers will always makes things right if you can learn to let them.

And for the record, the cat still lives. For now, because I don’t have a pie crust to put her in.