So, you’ve decided to make “Dada” your first word, huh? Well, isn’t that nice! Sweet even … and no, of course I wasn’t expecting “Mama” to come first! Since I am only your goddamn primary caregiver, the woman who carried you, birthed you, bleeds for you, the woman who is practically your slave and you can’t frigging offer me a little babble “Mama” action? Are you, are you kidding me?

Listen up, kid. I know your dad is pretty bitchin’ but you know what else he can be? A full-on actual bitch. Yeah, I said it. I own both your asses. Your dad thinks you’re as cool as creamed corn, so what? You guys gonna form a little club where you high-five each other on your escalating cool factor? What’s your next word going to be, I wonder? Could it be “Jedi” or possibly “Spock”? Huh? Cause I know your dad is to blame for this little indiscretion. I didn’t realize when I was sleeping in he was making you his little nerd minion. Who knew my son could be such an easy mark! What did he do, give you cake? There was cake given, wasn’t there … that bastard. I will kick his little booty for this. Yours too. Everyone thinks you’re brilliant for six and a half months, you know what? Being a daddy’s boy, not so smart. Saying “dada” before “mama” über not so smart. Now you’ve done it. Mama is ticked off. What’s worse is you wont even shut your face now. You were “da da da da da”ing all frigging day long WHILE YOUR DADADADA WAS AT SCHOOL AND NOWHERE AROUND. I had to wipe your butt while you told me all about dadadada and I wanted to puke.

In the end you made your dad’s day. There you were in your swing and when your dad came to get you, you looked him square in the eye and said the inflammatory infamous “Dada!” But while you may have made an old Trekkie proud as punch you also made a powerful enemy … me. Mama.

I am going to go all Mordor on your ass. Just you wait, Shireling.

Now to out you in some embarrassing video footage. The reign of terror begins.