I have to say, I am experiencing a weird problem. Life is good, child is only moderately frustrating once in a while when I’ve stupidly sacrificed sleep to watch crap television, so therefore not much fodder for the ol’ blog (the blog with the domain name I now pay for.) I mean I could write something if you really wanted me to. If you want a post about how much I love my squidgy pudding (baby) I could whip up some frothy, overly sentimental shmaltz for you, repeating much of what I’ve already said in new ridiculous ways. Any takers? Huh. I don’t hear a roar in the crowd. Odd. I figured I had more admirers …

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It’s not like everything is perfect, I am not saying I am supermom with nary a care nor issue to pimp out to the public for consumption. No, no. In fact all day long I come across little gems that would make great posts, however more often than I would like to admit they are quickly forgotten because Jonah has dropped my phone in his lunch, or he’s dropped a deuce in his diaper, or he’s dropped a toy (just to watch me stoop to retrieve it) or he has dropped some more drool. I could go on. Like I always knew, the writing just keeps falling down the list of priorities and unless I get the “white lightning” of inspiration from the writing deities I am not turning on the computer, if not for any other reason but to save it from being dropped in baby cereal or baby pee. And again, life has been pretty smooth due in part to having a healthy son who is growing and developing on point, like a boss. A lot of my writing in the past has been born from my sorrow and these days, damn it, there just hasn’t been too much sorrow, unless I am listening to David Bowie’s “Sorrow”. Which I do quite a bit, but that tune makes me peppy, and when I grab the hairbrush and belt out the lyrics to Jo we both get peppy.  And pep doesn’t translate into prose as easily for me. I am a drama queen, really the only line I know is “woe is me,” and Jo hasn’t given me much material to fill that quota.

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 So this gives me the opportunity to create my own woes, which is a talent my mother says I’ve had since birth. Go me. Lately I’ve been trying to consider what my next “move” should be. Jonah my little blessing was a complete surprise in our lives but after his arrival both Hubby and I had to start putting pieces together of this life so our kids get the structure, routine and safety they deserve. It is a daunting and a deeply self-analytical process because it’s not fanciful pondering anymore. It is decisions and choices, diverging paths and huge forks in the road ahead of you. It is the reality of making a choice for the three of you, not just for yourself but like any path in life there is no map. I am a stay at home mom as most of you know and my goal in life is to be a good mother, capable of raising considerate, kind and responsible individuals that will carry on my family’s legacy and contribute actively and lovingly to my country. But how do I achieve this without making all the right decisions at the right time? I go back and forth on whether I should have my desired second baby sooner or later, or I am constantly thinking about my return to school to exchange one diploma for another and when, if ever, I will find the time to do so. It is a delicate balance you need to keep to have a happy home. Right now, for the most part we have achieved this but with the addition of another baby or a new schedule we risk obliterating that balance and possibly making our lives very difficult. I want to be the mother I described there a moment ago, but to do that I strongly believe I need to be self-assured and have a career I can be proud of in order to pass on those qualities to my little ones. Is now the time to begin either one of those journeys? I always believed that things in life would just fall into place naturally and maybe that is true but after having my first baby I’m feeling a bit of pressure to “make it happen” plus, hell, I’m not getting any younger. It’s either school or baby deux, because I am not satisfied by the prospects of being the stay at home mother of one, a girl who never becomes the woman she thought she would become. Nor is it healthy to stagnate and not be in constant ever-evolving forward motion in life. My parents treated me so delicately in my youth, telling me I had time to make decisions about my future. And for what it is, I am proud of what I have achieved but I still reflect on my younger self and I find this urge yearning to tell her to make some different choices. Because it’s not that I am worse off now as a consequence of those past choices but the decisions I make today aren’t just for me, they are for three.

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But what I wake up to every morning is also the result of the path I’ve chosen to walk, and even when I am deep within myself carving out woes to ache over, at least I have the little slice of heaven that is my son and my marriage. Someone recently said to me that I have an enviable marriage and it was quite possibly the most life-affirming affirmation … and that is all me. I made that and it sends me ascending right back to peppy.

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